Harley and Ivy Build a City!
by Ice-SV3
Summary: No worries, no Batman, and they get to pick the rules! Harley and Ivy build their own desert paradise. But what happens when newcomers want in on the fun? Humor, Drama. Also, romance starts to pick up as the mini-series goes on.
1. Here Comes the Heat!

Harley and Ivy Build a City!

Chapter 1: "Here Comes the Heat!"

* * *

 **A/N: Welcome to a new Harley and Ivy series! Don't worry; there will be plenty more than just one visitor to Harley and Ivy's paradise oasis. Stuff will start getting crazy pretty fast. Enjoy!**

* * *

Out in the valleys of the Mojave Desert, two women are driving around in a car. Their goal: To find an uninhabited area with enough groundwater to grow a new oasis. They've been searching for a while. It's almost sunset.

"Did ya find a spot yet, Red?", one of them asks.

"This will do, Harley. Let's start digging.", the other says.

"What? Ya didn't say anythin' about digging. It's almost dark out."

"Which is why we should hurry."

After a while, the one called Poison Ivy signals Harley to stop digging, and they both put down their shovels. She throws some seeds into the hole. Just a few seconds later, a miniature forest springs up from the sand, lush, and just as green as Ivy's skin. Ivy manipulates vines to make a small treehouse. They bring all their belongings to it in the dark of night. The next day, they wake up late to recover from their hard labor.

"Uh, Red? How'm I s'posed ta take a shower with no runnin' water?"

"I'll take care of it. For now, just rub yourself with this.", Ivy says, giving Harley something she made that resembles a bar of soap.

Harley cleans herself and looks for something to wear.

"You took that Gotham City Police uniform you acquired the week before, right, Harl?", Ivy asks.

"Yeah, why?"

"I just thought you'd look cute in it.", Ivy teases. "Plus, it might come in handy for you as my chief of police."

"You expectin' trouble?", Harley asks.

"No, but there's bound to be _someone."_

"Hm, so if I'm chief a' police, what does that make you?"

"Mayor, of course."

"Well, when do I get ta be mayor?", Harley asks.

"The moment you start providing shelter, resources, and a working infrastructure.", Ivy responds.

"Hey, that's not fair!", Harley protests, playfully punching Ivy's covered arm.

"Careful, Harley. You can't touch me, remember?"

"Hmph. Well… I'm gonna… search for animals ta hunt.", Harley says, putting on the uniform and adding her usual clown makeup.

She leaves the oasis and doesn't see much out there. She goes back in to climb a tree for a better view. She sees a man approaching the oasis.

"Oh, no! It's Mistah J!", Harley shouts from the treetop.

"What? Is he coming to hurt you?"

"Worse! He's here to rip me from paradise. PARADISE!"

Ivy hurries over and rides a moving vine to the top of the oasis, where Harley is.

"Hold on a second. That's not even him. Although if it is, I'll personally see to it he never makes it past the front entrance.", Ivy says.

"Gee, thanks, Red. You're the bes—", Harley starts, leaning in for a hug.

"Harley, be careful! I'm poisonous, remember?"

"But ya _deserve_ a hug!"

"Air hugs it is, then.", Ivy says, sighing.

"D'aww!", Harley sings, gleefully savoring Ivy's air hug.

Ivy makes her way down to the entrance of their oasis. She sees the man. Mid-20s. Tall, athletic. The man looks overjoyed to see another human being. He hesitates to approach her when he sees that her skin is green.

"Don't be shy.", she says. "I'm Ivy. _You_ must be lost."

"I am. I am!", he says. "My name is Ulysses Lane. I'm an Olympic athlete. I was training out here in the desert, but I ran out of gas. And without my car's GPS, I had no idea where to go. I'm hungry and thirsty and lost. Please help me!"

"While you're here, feel welcome to pick whatever produce you need from our oasis, but **do not harm the plant life.",** Ivy says to him.

"Thank you, thank you. What about meat? Do you have meat?"

"I'm afraid I do not."

"But **MEAT,** I need **MEAT!** I'm a grown man, an _athlete!"_

"I can only offer what I have.", Ivy says to him.

The man rushes into their small forest, anyway. He looks for food and hungrily takes as he pleases. He rests on some tree roots. He sees the most beautiful flowers. He gets up and leans over to pick one.

"STOP RIGHT THERE! You pick that flower an' you die!", Harley shouts to him.

Ulysses looks at her, unsure what to make of her appearance. Seeing that she's in a police uniform and clown makeup, he decides she's just full of hot air. He picks the flower and suddenly feels a sharp pain in his leg. He lets out a yelp and looks down.

"Ow. What in the world are **these?"**

He sees what looks like a pretty big red and blue Venus fly trap snapping at his heels.

"They're the police force. An' _I'm_ the **chief** a' police. You have the right ta…. Waitaminute. Ya have no rights. Kill him, babies!"

The plants stretch up and go for his head. Ulysses shrieks and runs away, Harley running after him, a small, decorated "police mallet" in hand. Meanwhile, Ivy is on the other side of her forest creating a custom-made plumbing system. She hears yelling in the distance, growing closer. She sees Ulysses come into view, tripping over a vine and falling on his face into the soft grass. He runs up to Ivy, quickly getting down on his knees.

"Please, Miss…"

"Ivy."

"Ivy. Help me! There's a mad maniac lurking in your forest trying to kill me!"

"Ya have the right ta remain still! Ya have the right ta bite the dust! Ya have the right ta—!", Harley shouts, getting closer to Ulysses.

"Harley. Calm down.", Ivy says to her. "Alright, Ulysses. What did you do?"

"Nothing. I just picked a flower.", he says, voice shaking.

"YOU DID WHAT?!", Ivy screams.

"Uhh… nothing?"

"I should have you hanged for such violent disregard for life!"

"No, no, please!", he says. "I'll do anything."

"Anything?", Harley asks behind him.

"You value your life, you walk about thirty miles THAT way and don't look back.", Ivy says to him. "Oh, and one more thing."

"Yes?"

"Take off your clothes."

"What? Why?"

"If you're lucky, you'll simply get arrested for indecent exposure. You _did_ remember to wear sunscreen?"

"No, please! I don't want to get arrested!"

"It's not so bad.", Harley remarks.

"Look. I don't care if you dress me in some weird clown getup. I just want to go home. Without getting arrested."

"Let me think about that. I might have something of interest to you.", Ivy says.

After a change of clothes, Ivy finally lets the man go.

"Hrm. Those _leaves._ Is he wearin' what I think he's wearin'?", Harley asks.

"Definitely. He's going to be scratching himself to death before he ever gets home."

"Now THAT'S what I call cruel an' unusual punishment!", Harley remarks.

The two of them snicker.

 **END**


	2. My Poisonous BFF and One Giant Egg

Harley and Ivy Build a City!

Chapter 2: "My Poisonous BFF and One Giant Egg"

* * *

 **A/N: Welcome back to some more Harley and Ivy! Joining Harley and Ivy today is a special guest from the Harley Quinn Rebirth comics. Enjoy!**

* * *

Harley and Ivy are asleep in their beds. Harley is talking in her sleep.

"No, no! Not the ketchup gun! Stop it! Huhh! Huhhhh!", Harley quietly complains to herself.

There is rustling outside, as the grass is disturbed. Harley hears a yelp, followed by the sound of someone falling into leaves.

"Huh? Wazzat?", Harley asks, waking up.

She takes a peek outside and barely sees something moving behind the tall grass. Harley immediately runs to Ivy's bed, moderately shaking her.

"Red, Red! Someone's outside!"

"Huu-uuUU-UUu-uhH?", Ivy asks, her voice wobbling because of Harley.

"Outside! Someone's outside! I saw someone."

"Okay, I'll take a look.", Ivy says, still half-asleep.

Harley starts to follow her out, when her leg suddenly collapses, forcing her to the ground.

"Whoops! I think my leg is asleep!", Harley exclaims.

"It's okay. You stay here."

Ivy walks out and rides a vine to the bottom. Harley struggles to bring herself to the window.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!", Ivy screams.

 _Oh, no! Red's in trouble!_

Harley tries to help her, but she has trouble moving her limbs.

"I can't moooo—", Harley starts, as she loses the ability to speak.

Ivy comes in a few moments later, unharmed. She sees Harley lying on the floor.

"Harley?!", Ivy shouts.

"Ehh-rhmm-baaah mooo…", Harley struggles to say.

Harley sees the silhouette of what appears to be a giant octopus behind Ivy, but she blacks out.

* * *

Harley wakes up in her bed. She sees Ivy standing over her.

"Oh, Red. I had the most horrible nightmare. There was a sound, an' then you left an' I couldn't move anymore, an' there was a giant octopus behind ya, an' I couldn't save you…"

"About that octopus…", Ivy begins.

"MISS HARLEY!"

Harley looks in the direction of a familiar voice. It's a giant sentient egg on a saucer with tentacles.

"Eggy! I haven't seen ya in over a year!", Harley shouts. "Oh, Red. Look who finally came by! It's Eggy, from my time in the Secret Society of Super Villains!"

"Well, I'm glad to see you invited a friend to visit, but we really _should_ talk about what happened last night.", Ivy says. "The reason you went numb and blacked out was because you were poisoned."

"Wha—? Who would do that?"

"Me, Harley. When you woke me up. I told you, you can't touch me."

"Oh, sorry, Red. I was just so scared. Eggy, gimme a minute ta freshen up. I'll be right back."

Harley takes some clothes into the bathroom and closes the door. She changes and puts some toothpaste on her toothbrush. In giddy excitement for the reunion, Harley drops her toothbrush into the toilet. In a hurry to meet her friend again, she grabs Ivy's toothbrush instead.

"Really? You can talk to plants?", Eggy asks Ivy outside the bathroom.

"And apparently, eggs now, too.", Ivy retorts.

"Egh-hrmmh-baaah mooo…", the two of them hear from inside the bathroom.

"Here we go again.", Ivy says.

* * *

Several hours later, as the three of them are having lunch together, a crowd of about twenty strangers approaches their home.

"I wonder what's goin' on out there.", Harley says.

"Oh, I just invited a few friends over.", Eggy causally says.

"Oh, I wasn't expecting to host a _party.",_ Ivy says.

"Actually, uh… can we live here?", Eggy asks.

"WHAT?", Ivy screams. "But… no, that's not even possible. The ground water won't replenish quickly enough to accommodate **all** our needs."

"Hm, what about if we invite Weather Wizard?", Harley asks.

"NO. That man has no respect for nature.", Ivy says.

"Well, **yer** the mayor. You're the one who make the rules, an' I can keep him in line, no problem."

"There's not even any electricity here for him to charge his stupid wand.", Ivy says.

"What if we put up some solar panels?", Eggy suggests.

"We are NOT building a city.", Ivy says to Harley.

"Why not? I kinda miss havin' TV an' Facebook an'… an'…. Was it just gonna be the two of us? I love ya ta death, Red, but don't ya have any other friends that you wanted ta invite?"

"No."

"What about Kitty?"

"Selina? She's a mutual acquaintance."

 _"C'mon,_ you _know_ ya love her too."

"She wouldn't be interested in living here, anyway."

"Yer missin' the point. Why **can't** we just build a city out here?"

"The moment we do that, Eggy's _friends_ —whoever they are—will chop down trees and replace them with a shopping mall!"

"They won't, I promise!", Eggy says.

"No, but we can all live in little tree houses, like the one ya made for us.", Harley says.

They both look at Ivy.

"Fine. But if anyone invites Firefly, I'm kicking **everyone** out."

"Yay!", Harley shouts.

Eggy draws Harley close to him and talks quietly.

"Umm, should I not have done that?", he asks.

"Don't tell me ya invited _Firefly!",_ Harley says.

"He said he wanted to come!"

"Of course he did, ya scrambled egg! He likes ta burn stuff!"

"Is there a problem?", Ivy asks, butting in.

"No!", they both respond.

* * *

Harley volunteers to go into the treehouse to move things around and make room for Eggy's guests, while Ivy makes fruit smoothies for everyone. Harley joins up, and the three of them sit at a table.

"So, just who _are_ all these people, anyway?", Ivy asks.

"Just some peasants I paid to be my friends."

"Lovely.", Ivy responds ruefully.

"Ooh! What flavor is that?", Harley asks, eyeing Ivy's yellow and green smoothie.

"Harley… no.", Ivy says to her.

"Pleaaaase?", Harley asks, reaching for Ivy's drink.

Ivy snatches it away.

"Harley…"

Harley snatches the straw from Ivy's drink and licks it.

"Are you freaking kidding me?!", Ivy asks. "I swear, you're doing this on purpose!"

"Doin' what?", Harley asks.

"Excuse me, Eggy. I'll be right back.", Ivy says, hastily leaving.

"Sure, take your time.", he says.

* * *

Ivy quickly searches her and Harley's room for the antidote. But it's a mess, due to Harley moving everything around. Ivy then notices that Harley's bed is missing.

 _ **One bed?**_ _If Harley doesn't stop making careless decisions like this, she'll be dead before the week is over!_

Ivy continues looking for the antidote. She checks her shelf, where she usually keeps it. Not there. She checks the drawer inside her nightstand. Nope. After about four minutes of searching, she finds it next to Harley's makeup. She makes her way back to the dining room.

"Miss Ivy!", Eggy shouts to her. "Harley has collapsed… again!"

"Move aside. I've got this.", she says to him.

* * *

"Ooouf. Uugh. What happened?", Harley asks, waking up dizzy.

"You drank my smoothie."

"I did not!"

"Fine. You licked my straw."

"Ohh! I did it again!"

"Yes. You did."

"I'm sorry, Red. Honestly. How'm I gonna keep livin' like this? What if it happens again? What do I do?", Harley asks her, scared.

"You won't need to worry about it anymore.", Ivy says, assuring her with a smile.

"Wait, what does that mean?"

"I've thought about it… and I figured out a way to make you immune to various poisons, like me."

"Really? Aw, cool! How long do ya think it'll take?"

"Try now.", Ivy says, feeling proud of herself.

"Aw, thanks, Red!", Harley says, hugging her.

Ivy is finally comfortable hugging her back. They smile at each other.

"I've said it before an' I'll say it again: You truly do deserve a hug.", Harley says to her.

"Well, I suppose one good thing _did_ come out of this."

 **END**

"Psst! See? _Everyone_ deserves a hug once in a while. Go hug someone ya love right now! An' see ya next time!"


	3. Five Simple Rules

Harley and Ivy Build a City!

Chapter 3: "Five Simple Rules"

* * *

 **A/N: Hey, all! Joining Harley, Ivy, and the rest today is Selina Kyle (aka Catwoman)! She'll only be staying for a little while, though.**

* * *

 **Rule #1: Don't touch the wand**

Selina Kyle is running, panting. In her hand is Weather Wizard's wand. There's heavy rain out in Central City. Weather Wizard slips and falls while chasing her.

"Hey, give me back my wand! You dare steal from me? My powers make me a god!"

He looks back to see Captain Boomerang standing around chilling.

"Do something, will you?", he asks Boomerang.

Boomerang promptly throws some boomerangs in Selina's direction, which she flips over. But the last one hits her in the leg on its way back. She falls over and drops the wand. Boomerang walks up to her.

"Digger, wait! I'm taking this as a favor for Harley and her friend Ivy."

"Oh, Harley Quinn, you say? Well, why didn't ya just say so?"

* * *

A while later, Selina shows up at Harley and Ivy's with the wand.

"Ha! All I can imagine is a wandless Weather Wizard running around panicking.", Ivy says. "He doesn't really have much else going for him."

"Well, I did catch him with his pants down. He slipped and fell as a result of a rainstorm _he_ created."

"So, ya know how it works?", Harley asks.

"Not really.", Selina replies.

"That's okay; I think I can figure it out!"

"No!", Ivy and Selina exclaim.

Harley pushes a button, which promptly creates a blizzard.

"Um… it's okay, everyone! I know exactly what to do. Serious situation calls fer a serious attitude!", Harley says.

Harley rushes to her closet, putting on her stolen Gotham City Police uniform and quickly applying some clown makeup.

"Gee, Harley. That was real helpful.", Selina says.

"If I may… I know a thing or two about technology.", Eggy says, taking the wand.

After a moment, the situation is fixed. Eggy adjusts the settings to Ivy's specifications and Ivy locks it up behind a thick wall of vines.

"See? Everythin's fine now.", Harley says.

* * *

 **Rule #2: Respect the Green**

"I'm glad you were finally able to deliver on that fine weather you promised on my tour.", Selina says.

Selina notices a worried look on Ivy's face.

"What wrong?", she asks.

"It's just, now that we have the basic resources needed to support all our _guests,_ they're gonna want to turn this place into a concrete jungle. I just know it."

Within days, people start importing all kinds of goods into the oasis. Various foods, recreational goods, building tools, old belongings from their previous dwellings. But the moment Ivy sees the vast variety of imported tools, she becomes enraged.

"Stop it right there! What are all these tools for?", she asks.

"I'd just like to put some pictures up on my wall. I brought some stuff from my old home. None of us knew if you would let all of us stay for good.", a man responds.

Ivy rummages through his personal belongings and finds an old chainsaw.

"And what would _this_ be?", Ivy asks.

"That was my grandfather's.", he says.

"Was your grandfather a **logger,** by any chance?"

Ivy gathers everyone to the border of her oasis and tells everyone to leave. Her vines start crawling around them, blocking off every other direction.

"Red, what's the matter? Why's everyone in timeout?", Harley asks, entering the vicinity.

"It was just supposed to be the two of us, Harl. They'll ruin it all…."

"Pam. Hon. I know you were never the same ever since you got turned into a walkin' talkin' plant person. But yer still human in there. An' yer lonely. But you can still love plants **and** people. If we can all just get along, you'll see it can all be better. Ya just have ta be willin' ta talk to them."

"Talk? Just talk? Nobody ever listens to me. Except when I make them listen. But it never lasts."

"Then we make 'em listen. This is our place. They _will_ listen. They never had ta come here to begin with. They _chose_ this place. They will listen."

* * *

 **Rule #3: All imports must be approved by Poison Ivy**

"Selina? Care to dine with us before you leave?", Ivy asks.

"I wouldn't miss it.", she replies.

The two of them walk to the table where Harley and Eggy are already eating.

"I'm going through these lists of all the different items people want to bring in. I still haven't got it all worked out yet. Anything that enters our paradise will be no less than perfect."

"Red, no bringin' work to the table! Why dontcha try this pizza bagel Billy made over there?"

"…who's Billy?", Ivy asks.

"He's that tall guy over there.", Harley says, pointing to him.

"Sup, dudettes.", he says, with a thumbs up.

"Well, if you insist…."

Ivy takes a bite and immediately starts coughing.

"OH! This is way too salty! Are you trying to kill me?", she asks.

"You can down a jug a' cyanide, but ya can't eat salt?", Harley asks.

"The wrong kinds of salts can be very bad for a lot of plants. From now on, I'm making sure all imported food products are either low sodium or sodium free. And none of this type of salt."

She downs a glass of water. Still thirsty, she downs Harley's too.

"Great. Well, now I have to pee. This has certainly been a fun week."

"Sorry, Red."

Ivy politely leaves the table, and Harley starts staring at Eggy.

"Oh, dear. You're doing it again. Why must you always stare at me like that?", Eggy asks her.

"Well, Red got me thinkin' about salt, an' here I am sittin' with a giant egg in fronna me."

"You really scare me sometimes, Miss Harley.", Eggy replies.

"Harley, quit terrorizing your friends and finish the rest of your food.", Selina says.

"Yes, MOM.", Harley says sarcastically. "Ya know what? I got a better idea. Time ta lighten the mood!"

* * *

 **Rule #4: Always laugh at Harley's Jokes**

Harley suddenly pushes out her chair and climbs onto the table. Selina knows nothing good can come of this.

"I would just like ta thank everybody fer respectin' yer two lovely hosts, despite a bit of a hiccup earlier today. I'd like ta thank Ivy an' Billy for the wonderful food. An' I'd like ta celebrate everyone who's here today. Especially you, Kitty. Thanks fer visitin'."

Selina returns a smile, half out of politeness and half in anticipation.

"I remember back in the day, when Mistah J—"

"Oh, don't say it.", Selina says to herself.

"—wanted ta cheer people up, he'd tell a joke. An' then he'd kill ya, but don't worry, I won't do that…."

"I don't think she's off to a great start.", Eggy whispers to Selina.

"Ya know what they say: Ta laugh is ta live! Say, why did the ivy cross the road…? Ta get to the other vine!", Harley delivers with a big smile on her face.

After a pause, Eggy briefly and awkwardly laughs out of politeness. Selina is covering her face with her hand.

"What? What does that even mean? That's not funny.", someone says.

"An' what is **your** name?", Harley asks.

"Rose."

"'Rose.' Ya had ta be named after a _plant."_

As Ivy is finishing up in the bathroom, she starts hearing commotion outside. Upon opening the door, she hears Harley screaming from somewhere, while others are clearing the room.

"What the—", Ivy starts.

* * *

 **Rule #5: No killing or maiming without special permission**

"Uhh… Selina? What's going on?", Ivy asks, entering the room.

"Harley.", she replies.

"I only left her for two minutes."

 _ **BANG! BANG! CRASH!**_

"Oh, no. Is that what I think that is?", Ivy asks.

"I'm afraid so."

Ivy follows the sounds into the new recreation room to see Harley swinging her giant mallet into the wooden walls, Rose ducking for cover.

"Harley, stop. You're hurting the plants."

"Keep her away from me! She's a lunatic!", Rose shouts.

"Yes… but she's _my_ lunatic.", Ivy says, now turning to Harley. "Harleen, darling…"

"What? I'm not gonna kill her, honest! I'm only gonna bash her 'til she behaves because I have _excellent self-control."_

"Remember what you told me earlier today about working things out with other people? Can you put the hammer down? Just for a moment? For _me?"_

"But that's no fun….", Harley says, as her smile gently fades away.

"Maybe not. But in the long run, it's _better_ than fun."

Harley's mallet hits the floor with a thwap sound. She makes a sudden move toward Rose and bursts into tears.

"I'm so sorry. Couldja ever fergive me… for tryin' ta kill ya?"

There is a short pause before Rose responds.

"Please… leht goh. Can't… breathe…."

"Harley, let go of the kind lady.", Ivy says.

Harley lets her go.

"Thanks. Miss Ivy.", she says, running out of the room after a brief delay.

"Let's call it a night.", Ivy says.

"Aww. Tuck me in, please?"

"Only if you promise to be good."

"Well… maybe just fer tonight.", Harley says with a wink.

 **END**


	4. Fears in Paradise

Harley and Ivy Build a City!

Chapter 4: "Fears in Paradise"

* * *

 **A/N: It's that point in the series. Things will start to get serious, but don't worry; there's plenty of humor to come!**

* * *

"Welcome to MOJAVE GREENS OASIS", a sign reads.

Beneath that text is the number 23 crossed out with a 22 replacing it.

"Hm. Looks a bit sloppy.", Ivy says, looking at the sign.

"Maybe we should invest in one a' those flip signs?", Harley asks.

"I'm not so sure about that. Something tells me you'll keep messing with the number on it."

"I won't, promise!", Harley says before going silent for a bit. "Ya think Rose'll ever come back?"

"Not likely." She pauses. "Ah, don't worry about it, Harl. We all make mistakes. Yours just happen to be a bit… distinguished."

With that, the last of their chores are finished for the day. They go deep into the forest and join in a game of volleyball. Harley tires and leaves early. As the game goes on, nightfall nears. Everyone goes indoors, while Ivy leaves the forest for a better view of the sunset. To her surprise, the sign is written over with red spray paint, once again displaying the number 23 instead of 22. She storms off into the forest.

* * *

"Harley, did you mess with the sign outside?!", Ivy asks.

"Whuh? Whaddaya mean? I just took a nap on the couch!", Harley says, sitting up from her resting position.

"Well, _somebody_ took it upon themselves to decorate our sign with spray paint, which is harmful to the environment, by the way."

"Well, I dunno.", Harley says.

Ivy takes a look at all the residents walking around the lobby. She has almost remembered everyone by now, but it might take a while…. She notices a figure wearing sunglasses indoors, along with a thick beard, a mustache, and a familiar straw hat.

"You… who are you?", Ivy asks.

"What's the matter? Scared, are we?", the man asks, removing his disguise.

"Professor Crane!", Harley shouts. "Why didn't ya call ahead insteada tryin' ta scare us all half ta death?"

"I wasn't aware you have phone service here….", Crane replies.

"Oops, yer right. Yeah… we're still workin' on that. Still no Facebook, either.", Harley says as her smile drops a bit.

Meanwhile, Ivy is standing to the side with her arms crossed, getting a bit angrier the longer the conversation goes on.

"So, ya pull any mean pranks on anyone?", Harley asks.

"I prefer to think of them as lessons. Unfortunately, all things tend to get a little stale over time. Every good teacher needs a bit of inspiration once in a while, else they tire of teaching the same lessons time and time again."

"And what are you doing here, Scarecrow?", Ivy says with a full frown on her face.

"I was just getting to that. Gotham can be a pretty _dismal_ place, but imagine, if you will, a perfect utopia suddenly drowning in fear. I would **kill** to see that.", Crane says, putting his Scarecrow mask on.

"What? You don't mean…? But Dr. Crane, we're all friends here. How could you?", Harley asks.

"You think I would miss the perfect opportunity to study fear in such an uncommon environment?"

The wooded palace comes alive as vines shoot from the walls. Scarecrow releases a thick cloud of orange gas, and for a moment, no one can see a thing. When the gas clears, the residents have astonished and horrified looks on their faces, while Ivy's vines drop to the ground. Harley looks at Ivy to see her equally horrified.

"Red?"

"What… did you do?!", Ivy asks, covering her ears in shock.

"You may be immune to toxins, but your plants aren't. They are now paralyzed in fear, powerless to help you." Scarecrow looks to their guests. "Behold, everyone. Your greatest fear! The woman who rules you with an iron fist. A vile, green, sickly-looking freak of nature you constantly live in fear of, powerless to defend yourselves against her! Well, not today. Attack her while you still can. HAROOO! HRAAAH!"

"Quit that stupid roarin'. Ya sound like a coyote.", Harley quips.

"Forget about Ivy! I refuse to be eaten like a breakfast dish, HARLEY!", Eggy screams.

Everyone rushes towards the two of them, chasing them into one of the guest bedrooms. Harley and Ivy lock themselves in. Ivy collapses to the ground, covering her ears, tears forming in her eyes.

"Red? Red?! What's goin' on?"

"I can hear them. My plants screaming to me in anguish, begging me to help them. He did it. He found a way to make his gas work on me. He got to me by getting to my plants, my _babies._ No doubt it's just one more thing for him to brag about."

Harley rubs Ivy's shoulders.

"Red? I never seen ya like this. Scared, I mean. Everyone knows not ta mess with Poison Ivy. You're one a' the most powerful women in the whole wide world!"

"I'm sorry, Harley. I always put on a brave face, but the truth is I'm always scared. I'm scared because nothing I ever do is enough for those I care about. The humans continue to cut down more forests every day. Crane just paralyzed my plants with fear. He doused all our residents in his gas, too. And now you're stuck with me, in here. And I can't do anything to help you.", Ivy says, as her voice starts to break up. "And then I know one day Joker will show his face again. And he'll hurt you… and you'll let him."

"Gee, Red. You sound just as glum as Batman always does."

"I… I don't want you to see me like this. I… just need to be left alone."

"I refuse ta abandon you in yer time a' need. You're not just Poison Ivy, Red. You're Dr. Pamela Isley. PhD in toxicology. Can't ya just make an anti-toxin that will make everythin' okay?"

"Creating an anti-toxin will take time. Time we don't have."

"Then Crane will have one."

"NO. We just barely got out of there alive.", Ivy reminds her.

"Then I'm sorry, Red. Looks like I _will_ have ta leave ya alone, after all. I'm gettin' that anti-toxin."

"No! I won't let him hurt you!"

"Then back me up. We're no better off hidin' in here than we are goin' out there. After all the years you've helped me, I promise I'll be right by yer side. C'mon. Momma's gettin' herself a new straw hat."

* * *

When they open the door, everyone is busy fighting amongst themselves. Scarecrow is just sitting in a corner, watching.

"What?! It's impossible! You should be coiling in **fear,** Harleen!"

"Yeah? Well, guess what? I ain't afraid a' no hairy stickman whose one an' only trick is ta sit in a chair eatin' popcorn hopin' _somehow_ that screamin' an' wavin' yer hands in the air will ever get ya an ounce of respect!"

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe we outnumber you two to one.", Ivy says.

"Oh, yeah? Hey, everyone! Turn your eyes to—oouf!"

A baguette flies across the room and smacks Scarecrow in the face, causing his hat to fall off his head. Harley and Ivy walk up to him. As a last resort, he stands up with his arms outstretched, letting out a 'HRAAAAH!' Harley shrieks and stumbles backwards into a wall. At last, Scarecrow's gas starts influencing her. The poison immunity Ivy gave her is no match for Scarecrow's latest concoction.

"Red. I'm so, so sorry. I promised I would be the one to help **you** this time—"

"You owe me nothing. Despite all the trouble you tend to get into, you've **always** been more than a comfort to me."

 _Pamela Isley. The one gal I can always count on no matter what. I always wondered why she bothered helpin' me time an' time again, with me havin' nuthin' to give her in return. But I was wrong. I finally realize what I mean ta her. I'm the one person in the world who can make her happy. I'm the one person who makes her feel_ _ **human**_ _again._

"Thank you, Red.", Harley says, as a slight smile grows on her panicked face.

"Isn't that touching? Fear has its own way of creating empathy. You have me to thank for that."

"Shut up, Scarecrow."

Ivy cups her hand and blows a mist in Scarecrow's face. He yells and covers his face, shaking his head.

"Anti-toxin. **Now.",** Ivy demands.

"Here."

Ivy sprays the room with his anti-toxin, returning everyone to normal. She then lifts him off the ground using just one arm.

"Now, let's see that handsome face.", Ivy says, removing his mask.

She lowers him back down and draws him close. Her poisonous lips are mere inches away from his face, when she pauses and looks at everyone else. The gas has worn off, but they still seem afraid.

"What ya waitin' for, Red? Do it!"

"I spend so much time scaring others away as a way of masking my own fears.", Ivy begins. "It's time I earn the trust of our residents. That I can promise them this is a safe haven. I'm letting you go. But don't you dare **ever** come back here again."

"A-a most enlightened statement. Always h-happy to educate the masses. Heh. Heh."

"And maybe one of these days, _you_ could learn a thing or two, yourself.", Ivy says, letting go of her grip.

"Yes. Perhaps one day."

He quickly regains his composure and walks away, not taking so much as a single peek back.

"Red? Ya let 'im go?", Harley asks.

"Crane was right. This isn't Gotham. And these people are my people now. And I refuse to poison them with my actions."

"Hmph. A most _enlightened_ statement.", Harley says.

 **END**


	5. Happy

Harley and Ivy Build a City!

Chapter 5: "Happy"

* * *

 **A/N: The moment I'm sure a lot of you have been waiting for! Don't worry, I won't spoil it. :)**

* * *

"Ugh, I'm all pooped out!", Harley cries.

"Another hard day of work for us all.", Ivy says.

The two of them enter their bedroom, and Harley jumps on her bed and spreads her arms. She rolls over and plugs in her phone.

"We may have working electricity now, but don't be expecting phone service any time soon.", Ivy points out.

"What? Can't ya just 'convince' someone ta do it for us?"

"Even if I did put a trance on some poor fellow, it wouldn't be a very permanent solution."

"S'okay. I can still play Candy Crush Saga on it."

Ivy lets out a sigh of distaste.

"And… I can take pictures. Here. Let's take a picture together. I wanna remember this moment. Yesterday, Scarecrow reminded me that nuthin' lasts forever, not even this paradise we built. But if we take a picture… maybe, in some way, it can."

The two of them pose while Harley takes a picture.

"Y'know, it **was** pretty funny watchin' Dr. Crane pretendin' ta act calm.", Harley continues. "In all seriousness, though, yer decision seemed a bit… random, especially considerin' what he did? I mean, I trust yer decisions. But really, what I wanted ta ask ya about is: Why do ya choose to smooch people ta death?"

"Why? Does it bother you?", Ivy asks candidly.

"No, I uh…. Well, there must be a _reason_ fer it."

"I… I don't really know. I guess it just makes victory all that sweeter. Or maybe…. People tend to think of me as a monster. Something to be feared. I'm just as human as anyone else. Maybe I just want to share. Give people the decency of dying happy."

"Aw, I think I get it! Me an' Mistah J loved ta make people laugh right before we—"

 _That look on her face. Every time I've ever mentioned 'im. I'm aware of it now more than ever. It's like somethin' dies inside a' her every time I mention 'im. Every time Mistah J ever hurt me, he was hurtin' her, too. I'm the only one who makes her happy. I won't let her down again._

"Ferget Joker.", Harley suddenly blurts.

A look of shock appears on Ivy's face. Shock and relief.

* * *

"Y'know, there was this one time I almost got Batman. So, I was on my way to break out—er… there was this one time that I wanted ta get a present fer…. Oh, wait. I got one! Okay, so one time my babies, Bud an' Lou got sick, an' I wanted ta take 'em to the vet. But of course, I couldn't, because I wasn't allowed to… er…. Anyway, so I was drivin' down the road an' this truck almost hit us! I mean it was comin' straight on!"

"Mm-hmm, and were you driving on the wrong side of the road again?", Ivy asks.

"It was an **emergency!** Anyway, I was drivin' along, mindin' my own business, an' then Batman came along! He must have the eyes of an eagle, from whatever gargoyle it is he sits on, because he was already on my tail not more than a minute after I got on the road! So, I thought it'd be real funny ta mess with the flow a' traffic a lil', thinkin' he might slow down an' help people. Instead, that just made 'im get angrier, as everythin' seems ta do, an' he jumped off a pickup an' tried ta steer me off the road!

"'So, Batsy…', I tell 'im, 'Couldja please go easy on me? I'm just tryin' ta help my poor babies. They're sick an' they need a vet.'

"Instead, he just said I was unnecessarily puttin' people in danger, yada yada yada…. Like, are ya kiddin' me? I wouldn't have had ta do it if he wasn't chasin' me! But, ya know… Batman bein' Batman. Mean an' angry again. So, I figured he was a lil' too serious. I use Joker venom on 'im, which I was already immune to, because—um, that's not important—an' he starts laughin', right in my passenger seat. **Me.** I made the Batman laugh!"

"Isn't laughing gas _cheating?",_ Ivy asks.

"Well, so are **pheromones!** You have yer methods, I have mine."

"Well, since we're on the subject, I remember the first time I met Batman in person. He was tall and dark and mysterious. There's a kind of elegance to his every move."

Harley looks at her curiously.

"Okay, I may have been a little into him, **once."**

"Yeah, yer a little inta everyone."

* * *

"What? I—no, I prefer the company of my plants. Look. Anyway, I had this crazy idea back then of fighting crime alongside him. He was a costumed vigilante, better than the cops. I thought he was like me, that he would be interested in _my_ cause. But I was wrong. I had captured two men who were about to bulldoze some trees in the park. Batman arrived because he heard I was holding hostages, and I explained to him what happened. He grumbled something about how I was overreacting, but I assured him that everything was fine.

"I said to one of them, 'These men will never hurt another plant again. Isn't that right?'

"Then one of them said, 'Sure, I wouldn't even hurt a fly.'

"Even in a trance, the man didn't seem to get the message. So, I said to him, 'I don't care about flies! Did you hear me ask about flies?!'

"Then Batman asked, 'What did you do?'

"'Your job, silly.', I said.

"Then he went ahead and told me I'm no different than the Mad Hatter.

"'Are you sure about that?', I asked. 'If you stare at him as long as you've been staring at me, he would have replaced your cowl with one of his signature hats by now.'

"Not even a grin from him.", Ivy finishes.

* * *

"That's so Batman.", Harley says. "My turn. Alright, so there I was, leavin' the scene of a skyscraper a bajillion feet tall with the biggest score a' my life—Kitty woulda been proud—an' I did this all by myself, by the way—an' so I just jumped fer joy an' stretched out in the back seat a' my getaway car. But after a while a' drivin', I heard a familiar engine behind me. Batman was givin' chase! So, I had ta get up from my restin' position…."

"Wait a minute. Are you telling me you were driving the car… from the back seat?", Ivy asks.

Harley is silent for a moment.

"It's okay to talk about him, Harl. I just don't think you should obsess over him."

"Thanks, Red. So, uhm…. Mistah J was drivin', I was in the backseat. He told me ta stop idlin' around an' do somethin'. Just then, Batman hooked our car an' brought it to a stop. He got outta his car, an' so did I. I took my mallet an' swung as hard as I could at his head. Instead, I hit his light.

"So, I said, 'Uh-oh, no turn signal. Looks like someone deserves **the slammer!'**

"As I said that, I hit the hood of his car. Batman laughed so hard—"

"Did he _really?",_ Ivy asks.

"Why do ya ask?"

"Because he's Batman."

"Fine, no. But I guess that's what makes messin' with 'im so fun. I'm sure that if Mistah J ever listened ta one a' my ideas, we coulda gotten Batman ta laugh."

"Well, **I,** for one, will _always_ listen to you."

"Yer always so good at that. That's what I love about ya."

"Talking to my plants helps. They're usually quite reserved, but when they do speak to me, they're not mean like the others."

"How come **I** can't hear yer plants talk?", Harley asks.

"Because you're not connected to the Green like I am."

"Hm.", Harley says, "Ya think Mistah J's takin' good enough care a' my babies?"

"I know what you're thinking, Harl, but I feel like if we sneak in under his nose or somehow catch his attention, we won't be able to get rid of him again."

"Please?", Harley asks.

Ivy sighs. "I'll get them by myself. As soon as I'm not too busy. There's a lot of work to be done for tomorrow. For this whole weekend."

"Okay, but one more story?", Harley asks. "What happened between you an' Batman that made ya hate 'im so much?"

* * *

"Well, it was feeding time for my plants one day. I had recently captured a corrupt factory owner who was dumping toxic waste into the river. He was nice and plump, a perfect meal for my babies."

"Aw, I love yer giant flytraps! All the other plants just seem so boring."

"Ahem. Plants are _not_ 'boring'", Ivy insists.

"Look, I try. Okay?"

"I know you do."

"Anyways, what happened next?"

"Well, if you know anything about a flytrap's digestive system—"

"Pass! What happened after that?"

"Mean old Batman **KILLED** my plant!", Ivy says.

"Yer kiddin'!"

"Nope. A life gone, just like that. And Batman says he doesn't kill."

"That's so sad!", Harley says.

"When I finally had him restrained, I had to tell him how I felt.

"I said to him, 'I'm so sorry that we have such vast differences in opinion on how justice works. I know exactly how it feels. There's a grief that drives you, I know it. But I can make the pain go away forever. No one who's ever kissed me has died unhappy.'"

"And then?"

"He hit me."

"Well. I mean, ya were tryin' ta kill 'im, weren't ya? I mean, call me crazy, but makin' yer face an easy target doesn't seem like a great fightin' tactic.", Harley points out.

"He was close enough for my pheromones to affect him. It works on everyone else. But there's some sort of unrelenting determination about Batman. What on Earth is so important to him that he would give up a moment of pure delight that can only be experienced once in a lifetime?"

* * *

"Hm.", Harley says. "So, who do you think made Batman the happiest?"

"I think you should ask Selina.", Ivy replies.

"True. She ever got mad at you fer kissin' 'im?"

Ivy chortles. Harley's tone changes.

"Pam?"

"Yes?", Ivy asks quizzically.

"I asked ya why you kiss to kill. You said you prefer the company of yer plants."

"I'm not sure I understand what you're getting at."

"You don't kiss to kill, do ya? Ya kill to kiss."

Ivy is silent for a moment. Harley lifts Ivy's chin.

"Because yer different. Because yer poison….", Harley finishes.

"Harley…."

Ivy leans in close to her. And for about three seconds, the two of them kiss. Harley's eyes light up.

"Wow. You smell really nice.", Harley says.

"Mm. It's been forever since I've been able to do that. For real, this time."

"See? And ya weren't even tryin' ta kill me, were ya?", Harley teases.

"It depends. Did it make you happy?"

"Maybe. Yeah, very happy. Dizzy happy. I wanna just faint…."

Harley falls to the floor between their two beds.

"HARLEY!"

"In a good way.", Harley says, popping her head up with a wink.

Ivy grabs her pillow off her bed and hits Harley with it.

"How about you? Do I make **you** happy?", Harley asks.

"Always.", Ivy responds.

Harley takes her own pillow and hits Ivy back with it. They continue hitting each other with pillows until Harley tires out.

"Say, ya ever slept on a pillow fortress before, Red?", Harley asks.

"Can't say that I have. But I thought you said you were tired."

After a few minutes, Harley wheels about fifty pillows into the room. Harley sets up the pillows, while Ivy creates a framework using vines. After they're done, they gently collapse onto their creation and go to sleep….

 **END**


	6. Ivy and Ivy

Harley and Ivy Build a City!

Chapter 6: "Ivy and Ivy"

* * *

 **A/N: Wait, what? Whaaaaat? What is going on here?!**

* * *

It's late afternoon. Ivy is walking through the forest. She sees Harley struggling to reach an orange on a branch above.

"Let me help you with that.", Ivy says, as the branch bends down to Harley.

"Thanks, Red."

"I've missed you, Harl."

Harley thinks about Ivy's response for a moment.

"Missed? Oh, are you tryin' to say ya wanna go upstairs together an' play around some?"

"I mean… I _missed_ you."

Ivy has trouble explaining herself. Her head drops some. Harley is confused, but she swiftly walks towards her to cheer her up. She kisses her cheek with a loud **"Mwah!"** that seems to scare Ivy half to death, considering she's screaming—

"HARLEY! …Stay calm. You're gonna be okay."

"Um… I miss you too?"

Ivy concentrates as her skin slowly turns to a very human shade of peach. She then picks Harley up over her shoulders and starts running.

"Red… you okay?"

"I'm not the one I'm worried about!"

Ivy carries Harley around for a while, aimlessly wandering through the main building. She finally seems to find what she was looking for, when to Harley's surprise, there's another Ivy already in the room.

"…Ivy?", green Ivy asks.

Pink Ivy puts Harley down. She appears to be tired, but that seems to change as her skin returns to its poisonous green hue.

"Red? …Other Red?", Harley asks.

"What are you doing here?", still-green Ivy asks. "I thought you were supposed to be covering for me in Gotham City."

"My cover was blown ever since Batman found out I don't feel pain.", no-longer-peach Ivy says. "I don't feel like I belong anymore. And I just feel like… I **really** miss Harley."

 **Harley.** No-longer-peach Ivy suddenly remembers why she's there.

"Ivy! She needs an antidote! She—"

She turns around to see that Harley's just fine.

"She kissed me, and she's okay….", she notes.

"Oh, yes. Harley is immune to toxins like I am. Well, mostly. And we may have… gotten closer."

She looks at the pair in shock.

"What? I thought she was our… _friend."_

Eggy suddenly enters the room.

"What is this… thing?", she asks.

"I'm not a _thing,_ Miss… um…", Eggy starts, now seeing there are two Ivys.

"This is, um… this is Lily.", Ivy says.

"Lily? Why Lily?"

"Well, my middle name _is_ Lillian. It'll be easier so that Harley doesn't confuse the two of us…."

"Oh, I get it. _You're_ the original, so _I_ have to change _my_ name. Why don't you change _your_ name?!", Lily asks.

"Will you stop complaining?", Ivy asks. "You're stating to sound like Harley."

"Hey!", Harley exclaims.

"Um… what is going on here?", Eggy asks.

* * *

It's dinnertime. Harley, Eggy, and the two Ivys are all taking turns looking at each other in silence. Everyone else in the dining hall is also glancing at them periodically. Harley breaks the silence.

"So… uh, Red? How come ya never told me ya had a twin sister?"

"I'm not her sister.", both Ivys say in unison.

Eggy awkwardly slurps his drink. Lily speaks up.

"No, you see, your… _lover_ here decided she wanted to make an exact replica of herself to deal with Batman every time she wanted to worry about her own needs and not have to worry about Batman."

"Red… ya didn't tell me about this _why?",_ Harley asks.

"That's not entirely true. Sometimes _I_ was the one who got caught and Lily… was supposed to… make sure you didn't get… lonely."

"ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDIN' ME?!", Harley asks, standing up.

Everyone else in the dining hall immediately looks in their direction. Harley looks up. She then quietly sits back down.

"Maybe this isn't the best place to talk about this.", Ivy begins. "Maybe we should take this upstairs?"

Harley nods and she, Ivy, and Lily get up. Ivy grabs Harley's hand. She then notices that Lily is standing, too.

"We'll just be a moment.", Ivy says.

Lily angrily slumps back into her seat as Harley and Ivy go upstairs. Lily waits for two minutes. Lily waits for ten minutes. Lily waits for fifteen minutes. The dining hall starts clearing. Eggy continues to slurp from his cup, despite it now being empty. Lily raises an eyebrow at him. Eggy looks down at his drink, then smiles.

"I just didn't want you to feel lonely.", Eggy says.

"Story of my life.", Lily says.

She goes upstairs and approaches Harley and Ivy's room. She can hear the two of them laughing. Without thinking, she quickly opens the door to see Ivy playing with Harley's hair. The two of them stare at her for a moment. Harley whips her hair back and it gets in Ivy's eyes, causing her to fall off the bed.

"Oh, uh… Lily!", Ivy starts.

"You two made up yet?", Lily asks, already knowing the answer.

"I'm s-sorry. I forgot—"

"Oh, you **forgot** about me.", Lily snaps.

Lily squeezes her eyes closed and backs away from the room.

"Which way to my room?", she asks.

"Lily, I—", Ivy begins.

 **"Which way?"**

"First floor. All the way down the hall to your right. The room on the left."

Lily walks out of view. Ivy's head drops down, and Harley hugs her from behind.

* * *

The next day, Lily looks around to see the different jobs that people do and ask them about their experiences at Mojave Greens Oasis. After all, she's just visiting. It's not her job to maintain the oasis. Still, after meeting everyone, she feels the need to partake in Ivy's lush greenery. So, she offers her help until four in the afternoon. Harley and Ivy are playing volleyball with the residents again, and Eggy is referee. Lily decides to join them. Ivy and Lily take opposite sides of the court, and Ivy encourages Harley to spend some time with Lily. So, she walks over to Lily's side of the net.

"H-hi, Red.", Harley squeaks.

"Harley, it's me. I won't bite you."

"I… I know. It's just… I don't know what you know… or don't know. So much has changed… between us, too. Except, not… between us. I don't… I don't know what I'm sayin'. This is just… weird."

While Harley is distracted, the volleyball hits her on the side of her head, causing her to fall onto Lily, knocking the two of them over. Harley stares into Lily's eyes, until the two of them become uncomfortable and look away.

"This is… this isn't right. I'm sorry.", Harley says, fleeing the court.

Ivy comes over to Lily's side of the net.

"What did you say to her?", Ivy asks.

"Nothing. She just had this really weird look in her eyes, like she wishes I was someone else."

"Lily—", Ivy begins.

"I want to talk to you in private.", Lily says.

"Okay."

"Somewhere secluded. Like, a private room. But somewhere remote."

* * *

Ivy takes Lily down to the basement. There are a lot of supplies there, and also Ivy's lab.

"This is about as private as it gets.", Ivy starts. "Even Harley rarely comes down here. She's not really into this stuff."

"I don't know what you did to Harley…", Lily starts.

"What I did?"

"I came here because I miss her. But she doesn't miss me. She doesn't even **know** me. And now, she thinks she's in love with _you._ "

"A lot has changed. It's been three _years_ since you last saw her. But, I think what really made me reevaluate what I care about was when Scarecrow came here. I've never been so scared in my life, not since I became—this. I didn't want Harley to see me scared. But once she did, I think right then and there, we knew exactly what we mean to each other."

"Yes, about Scarecrow,", Lily begins, "After all the terror he wreaked, you just let him go. And your 'residents' just carelessly stomp around on plants—Do you even notice anymore? I can't understand it. What Joker did to Harley… she's a real violent person sometimes. She's done things. But I can't imagine that somehow, she's made you soft, unwilling to do what's necessary. It just doesn't add up. Don't you want people to fear you anymore? Do you realize it only takes one match to destroy everything you care about? I bet you even let these people carry weedkiller around."

"No, of course not!"

"Why not? It's not like it would _kill_ you. Incapacitate you, maybe. Maybe even leave a nasty burn, but you're not the one who was almost killed by Batgirl with it. And do you want to know why I was almost killed by someone who _doesn't_ kill? Because my only purpose in life is to make people think I'm you! I want my life back, Ivy. I want **your** life; you're clearly not even living it right anymore."

"If you're looking for a fight, Lily, I don't know what you hope to accomplish. You're only as powerful as I am, and this is _my turf._ The plantlife here is obedient to _me."_

"Correction, Ivy: I'm _more_ powerful than you are.", Lily says, as thorns grow in her arm. "And your babies won't listen to _you,_ honey. _You're_ just too… **human,** dear."

Lily stretches her arm out towards Ivy, and the thorns shoot out.

* * *

After spending some time alone in her room thinking, Harley goes downstairs to see the entire building deserted, which is quite odd, considering it's nighttime now. When she walks outside, she sees people walking around with vines around their legs. When one of the women trips and falls, a vine picks her up and smacks her into a tree. Harley goes back inside and finds Ivy sitting on a leafy throne at the end of a hall, looking through some papers.

"Recycled paper,", she says with a scoff, "But paper, nonetheless. Just a reminder that instead of choosing to protect a forest full of life, humans care more about these scribblings on **dead trees!** "

"Red, I couldn't help but notice everyone's wearin' the same fancy bracelets around their ankles.", Harley says.

"Harley, I'm so sorry. I was supposed to bring Bud and Lou back two days ago. That's what this paper says. This to do list is so long, but now that everyone's working more efficiently, everything should be on schedule. We might even be able to spend some time together."

"No one's smilin' anymore, Red."

"Your smile is the only one I need.", she says. "Come on. I think I know what will cheer you up."

Ivy takes Harley upstairs. Harley gets in her bed, and Ivy takes a book from Harley's nightstand, before going to her own bed.

"This is your favorite book, right?", she asks.

"Yeah.", Harley says.

Ivy slams the book closed. She squeezes it tight and knocks her knuckle against the leaves.

"Solid wood. Paper can be made from cotton. Cotton grows back. Trees are just replaced, **if even that!** This book needs to be copied onto cotton paper. I'm sure Eggy can find a way to make it happen."

Ivy suddenly realizes Harley is in her bed.

"Harl, what are you doing in my bed?", she asks.

"You said tonight we were gonna—"

"Right. I, um… forgot.", she says, as she starts to panic. "Whatever it was, I'm sure we can do it tomorrow…."

"You… forgot, huh? You forgot what we were gonna do tonight? You've been gettin' awfully fergetful lately… **Lily!"**

"Now, Harley, don't be mad—"

"Where is RED?!", Harley asks.

* * *

Down in the basement, the original Ivy is trapped in a vined cell, a recent addition to the basement. She stands in the corner of her cell, eager to get out. It's almost like Arkham all over again.

 _There must be a plant here Lily doesn't know about._

Ivy telepathically searches the plantlife in her oasis for a plant that will still listen to her.

 _Oh. Hello, Abigail._

* * *

The next morning, Lily emerges from her office with a stack of papers. She enters the hall and walks down to her leafy throne and sits on it.

 _ **Pffffffbt!**_

"What?", Lily asks, confused.

"You **stink,** Lily!", Harley says.

Lily gets up from her seat and notices the whoopie cushion Harley planted there. Outside, it starts pouring hard.

"Harley. I'm awfully busy right now—"

"It's rainin'!", Harley interrupts.

"Yes, that's helpful, Harley."

"Do those people out there look like **fish** to you?!", Harley asks.

"Go on, bring them in.", Lily says.

"Ya still stink.", Harley says, going out in the rain to get soaked.

After a few minutes, everyone's back inside. Lightning starts making booming sounds. One of those booms almost seems like it's coming from downstairs. Then, the sound of rushing water.

"Red… somethin's not right, here.", Harley says.

The power goes out. It's pitch-black. A flash of lightning illuminates the hall. On the side with the stairs, a woman is briefly seen standing isolated from everyone else.

"Red…?", Harley asks.

"Yeah?"

"If somethin' happens, I just want ya to know… it's rude ta send people out in pourin' rain without an umbrella!", Harley says, wringing her clothes in Lily's lap.

The lights come back on.

"Aaaaaahh!", Harley screams, as she hides behind Lily's throne.

"YOU! How did you get out?", Lily asks.

"Red! Yer back!"

"I'm Mother Nature, honey.", Ivy says. "Didn't you know I can control the weather? When the basement started flooding, my babies were happy to let me go so I could get them to safety."

On the other side of the oasis, Ivy's plant, Abigail, is controlling Weather Wizard's wand.

"Your _babies_ won't help you against me.", Lily assures her.

Harley comes out from behind Lily's throne.

"Harley, you were fine just where you were.", Ivy says.

Ivy ascends on a gust of wind, as hailstones start pelting Lily. Lily uses vines to cover herself. She shoots thorns at Ivy, but Ivy uses a gust of wind against her, that send Lily's thorns back to her. A vine suddenly comes up behind Ivy and slams her into the floor. Another vine comes up from under Lily, gently carrying her over to Ivy. More vines come out of the ground, restraining her. Lily uses foliage to shut all the doors and windows, ensuring Ivy has no means of attacking her. Eggy suddenly comes up and cuts one of the vines restraining Ivy.

"YOU MONSTER!", both Ivys say in unison.

"I was only trying to help, Miss Ivy.", Eggy says.

Lily grows some more thorns in her arm and smites Ivy.

"Ouch. I bet that hurt. Not that I would know. I'm just a fake. And a third wheel."

"You're right; I was wrong.", Ivy says. "You deserve your own life, and I sabotaged that for you from the very beginning."

"Touching, but a little late.", Lily says.

She raises her arm to strike again, but Harley jumps in front of Ivy.

"Get out of the way, Harley.", Lily says, lowering her arm a bit.

"No.", Harley says.

Lily raises her arm once more, and Harley covers her face. Then Lily's face drops, and so does her arm.

"Harley. I'm sorry. Don't think that I would hurt you…", Lily begins.

She releases the vines from Ivy and gets down on her knees.

"I'm sorry.", she says. "I guess I just don't belong anywhere."

"No, I'm sorry to you both.", Ivy says. "I should have never created you with the intent of making you a substitute for me. Lily, I _will_ find a home for you. And if Harley's okay with it, I'm sure you can visit once in a while, but please, no more fighting. What you did to these people was wrong. They do their best to respect our way of life, to respect the Green."

"You would really help me after all the trouble I caused?"

Ivy raises Lily's chin.

"Look at me. I always take care of my plants. And Harley, I'm bringing Bud and Lou for you on my way back."

"Red? Can ya promise not ta hurt Mistah J?"

Ivy is silent for a moment.

"I'll be in and out before he suspects a thing. But Harley, if Scarecrow found out about this place, that means Joker will, too. I hope you're prepared for that."

Ivy and Lily start walking out. Lily looks up into the sky.

"The sun is shining again.", she says.

 **END**


	7. The Clear

Harley and Ivy Build a City!

Chapter 7: "The Clear"

* * *

 **A/N: I had a lot of fun making Ivy the zany one this time. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

It's Saturday. Eggy is in Harley and Ivy's room, dusting. He starts to hear a deep humming sound. He looks around to see a plant vibrating. It has two large indented leaves that somewhat resemble elephant ears. Out of curiosity, he picks it up by the stalk. The stalk is still connected to the base of the plant by a stem.

"Harl? You there?", Ivy's voice speaks from the plant.

Not wanting to confront Ivy about what he did to her vine three days ago, he runs outside to get Harley. It's raining again. When he finds Harley, he sees her screaming at a tree.

"Um, Miss Harley?", Eggy asks when he finds her.

"What's this tree's name again?", Harley asks.

"Who would remember?"

"Oh. Nah, I got it. Yo, Abby! Open up!"

"Miss Harley, I think Ivy's on the… phone.", Eggy says.

"We don't have workin' phones, remember?"

"No, not that phone."

Eggy brings Harley up to her room.

"So, is this how you contacted Miss Selina?", he asks her on their way up.

"Yeah. Y'see, every plant on the continent is connected underground. Kinda like the innernet. I miss the _real_ innernet, though."

"Harley?", Ivy asks over the plant-phone.

"Uh, I mean the better innernet. No, uh…! Ya know what I mean, Red."

"Harley, I'm kind of in a hurry here."

"What? But I miss ya, Red."

"I miss you, too, Harley. Now that Lily's all settled in her own home, I'm over at Joker's hideout to get Bud and Lou for you. From what I can see, it looks like he's getting ready to leave. Everything going okay for you over there, sweetie? You're not causing too much trouble, I hope."

"No, but Red, I think yer fight with Lily mighta messed with the wand's settings or somethin'. It's rainin' again an' it won't stop."

"That's fine. It's probably nothing, but you should have Eggy look into it, just in case. Oops, gotta go now. And Eggy, I'll be watching you.", Ivy finishes.

"She'll be watching me from the other side of the country?", Eggy asks Harley.

"If there are plants around, she can watch ya. Hey, at least ya didn't _kill_ the plant. Then she'd be **real** angry at ya."

"I think she _is_ real angry at me.", Eggy says. "Oh, wait. Do we have any way of getting to the wand? It's sealed up inside the tree."

"Damn. I guess Ivy fergot, bein' in a hurry an' all. It'll be okay, though. I hope."

Six hours pass, and the southern part of the oasis starts flooding. Eggy suggests cutting into the tree, but Harley tells him it's out of the question. Eggy leaves to build a tool he hopes will take care of the job, while Harley just screams at the tree some more. It's nighttime, so Harley ends up falling asleep after a while.

"I miss ya, Pam.", Harley says as she dozes off.

* * *

While asleep, her fingertips start to feel wet. Then, her toes. She wakes to find herself on her bed, which is now a mere two feet from the ceiling, because it's floating on floodwater. She suddenly slides off the bed. She struggles to make it to the surface as her blankets hinder her movement. Water enters her lungs and she passes out.

Warm air enters her lungs. She feels a breath on her face, and something smooth and moist on her lips. Suddenly, she gets hit in the stomach.

"OW!", Harley cries, her lungs already seemingly dry.

She wakes to see Ivy again. It's daytime. But the oasis is flooded. The two of them are on the roof. Oddly enough, the leaves on the trees sticking out of the water seem to resemble seaweed.

"Sorry, Harley. You were drowning.", Ivy says.

"Eh. Kissin' you is worth a whack or two.", Harley says.

"No. Don't think like that, Harley. That's how Joker likes you to think."

"Ya know one a' the great things about kissin' you? Oh, sure. Everyone who's lived ta tell the tale always talks about the pheromones an' how nice ya smell. You make it hard not ta notice. But somethin' you might take fer granted is the breathin'. You breathe out oxygen. I don't have ta stop ta catch my breath as much. But I guess the others wouldn't really notice either, considerin' yer toxins cause 'em ta asphyxiate."

"Oh! I completely forgot!", Ivy says. "It's so like me to forget things. I'm supposed to be marrying Arthur tomorrow—you might know him as Aquaman—to celebrate the union of the Green and the Clear!"

"What?", Harley asks. "Ya can't!"

"Why not? Mera's sense of fashion almost resembles my own."

"What about us?", Harley asks.

"Who are you, again?"

"C'mon, Red. Ya gotta stop fergettin' things. Yer not a goldfish!"

"I beg to differ.", Ivy says, as her smooth, green skin turns into golden scales.

"And look! I can blow bubbles!", she says.

Ivy starts to blow a big, green bubble. It pops.

"They're poisonous, though. I won't tell if you don't.", Ivy says with a wink.

"Huh. So, if you two are gettin' married, what's gonna happen when Aquaman has ta kiss the bride?"

"Er… long live the queen?"

"I still don't believe it. What coulda happened while I was drownin' that led ta that?"

"Well, since you couldn't stop the flood, Arthur had to intervene. We got really close, and now, our oasis is even better than it originally was. I want to thank you for making all of this possible, Harl."

"Makin' what possible?"

"Mojave Greens Atlantis! And say hello to my new species of plant hybrids.", Ivy says, snuggling a pair of green leafy fish against her cheeks.

"Aren't they adorable?", she asks.

"Red, all our stuff is unnerwater. I can't breathe unnerwater."

"That's okay! I can make you a fish too!"

"Wait, no! I don't wanna be a fish. I hate fish!"

"But it's too late for that. Remember that shot I gave you so you wouldn't get poisoned by me? It already made you into a fish."

Harley looks down to see that she has a tail now.

"WHAT IS GOING ON?!", Harley screams.

Faster than she can blink, Harley suddenly finds herself in a church with Aquaman, Ivy, and a minister up front. She looks in the pews around her and sees only fish and sea creatures.

"NO! THIS IS ALL WRONG!", Harley screams.

"Harley, please. Don't scream in church.", Ivy says to her.

"Your vows.", the minister says to Aquaman.

"I, Arthur Atlan-son, affirm my love to you, Pamela Lillian Isley, as I invite you to share my life. In the three minutes I knew you while Harley was drowning, I immediately recognized you for the loving, caring, generous provider and guardian that you are. As we merge our lives, so too will merge the Clear and the Green. I give you my hand, my heart, and my love from this day forward for as long as we both shall live."

Aquaman puts a ring on Ivy's finger.

 **"** I, Pamela Lillian Isley, take you Arthur Atlan-son, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. Kiss me, please."

Ivy puts a ring on Aquaman's finger. Ivy's skin turns peach for a moment as she kisses him. But Ivy quickly withdraws. She turns green again, then pinches her nose and takes a breath. She has a look of utter disgust on her face.

"I now pronounce you man and—", the minister starts.

"Sorry, Arthur. I—"

She immediately vomits in front of everyone. Aquaman's servants clean up the mess, and one of them hands him a tissue. Aquaman kneels down to Ivy to wipe her mouth.

"Wait, no, Arthur. Are you sure that's thick enough…?", Ivy starts.

Aquaman wipes her mouth with the tissue. He then immediately falls dead.

"Arthur!", Ivy shouts.

"Ooh! Can ya marry me, instead?", Harley asks.

"She killed our king!", an Atlantean shouts.

Atlantean guards start blocking the exits, while more guards slowly approach Ivy.

"Wait, this is just a big misunderstandin'!", Harley says.

The guards take hold of Ivy. They begin to escort her to the dungeon, but then they all drop dead, too.

"Uh-oh.", Ivy says.

The other guards open fire at her, shooting lasers everywhere. Ivy starts blowing a bubble.

"Red, quit blowin' bubbles; they're shootin' at ya! I mean, they're missin'—Wow, they have bad aim! —but seriously, what're ya doin'?"

Ivy's bubble becomes larger and larger until it's twice Ivy's height. The guards' lasers start bouncing off of it, and they die, too.

"Uh-oh. They're gonna be _very_ angry.", Harley says.

They're suddenly in a cell, the dungeon. Harley and Ivy both have their wrists shackled to a wall.

"Huh. At least we get ta share a cell.", Harley says. "Ya think they're gonna drown us fer what happened?"

"We're already underwater, Harl.", Ivy says.

"Whaaaa…?"

Harley starts blowing bubbles.

"Oh, yeah. I guess we are!"

Harley looks at Ivy. She seems to be sleeping.

"Uhhh… Red?"

"Oh! Sorry. I was just calling a friend."

"What friend?"

The wall behind them suddenly smashes open, as they get tossed into the bars of the cell. Harley gets up and looks behind her to see the giant gaping mouth of a large, leafy fish.

"Aaaaaaahh! It's gonna eat us!", Harley yells.

"No, he won't.", Ivy assures her.

Not more than a second later, the fish chomps down on them.

"Umm… Red?"

"Okay, so he ate us."

"Red, we're dead."

"I'm quite proud of my creations."

"Red, yer creation is gonna turn us into a turd."

"As you can see, the teeth are quite large…."

"Red, we're gonna get chomped into a zillion pieces…."

"The tongue is green. It can be used to conduct photosynthesis. Whenever my babies need energy, they can just stick their tongues out to feed on the Sun."

"Red, it stuck its tongue out, an' it's feedin' on us!"

"You'll find the throat is quite interesting…."

"It's dark in here, Red!"

"Unfortunately, it's very well-lubricated, so we won't be staying in here very long."

"I dunno whether that's a good thing or a bad thing."

"We're in the stomach now."

"Definitely a bad thing."

"This particular fish hybrid is very effective at dissolving many things…"

"Is that supposed ta be a good thing?"

"Normally, its stomach acid would make quick work of humans like us, but I happen to be immune to some of those acids."

"Wait, am I immune to acids too?"

"No, I don't think so. I am a bit curious, though…."

"Yep. Curious. Could ya maybe be a bit curious as to how ta get outta here?"

"The _Synanceia photobellus_ is particularly effective at dissolving plant matter, considering its cannibalistic nature…."

"Yer scarin' me, Red."

"Since I'm part plant, maybe I'll dissolve before you do!"

"Red…? Could we maybe continue this biology lesson later?"

"You really should be more excited, Harl."

"Ohh, I get it! You know this fish so well, you know exactly how ta get out!"

"You see, the moment we get dissolved, we become one with the ocean!"

"Um… Red? Yer dissolvin'."

"Ohw, THat's wondiRful!"

"…Red?"

"…RED?!"

Harley looks down at Ivy. All that's left of her is a leaf.

"Reeeeed…!", Harley cries, clutching the leaf and sobbing.

"Find the tree. Find Abigail."

"Huh? Who said that?", Harley asks.

"Find the scepter. Fix this all!"

The voice sounds like it's inside her head.

"Who's sayin' that?"

 _ **ACHOO!**_

Harley suddenly gets launched from the fish at supersonic speed.

"AAAAAAAAAHHH!"

She gets smashed into the tree.

"Tree.", the same fish says to her.

"Oh.", Harley says.

She sees the scepter inside the tree. It's behind a thick wooden mesh-like structure. Harley tries prying it open, but to no avail.

"Why don't you try talking to it?", the fish says.

"Okay, uhhh… tree! Listen. I'm very sorry I couldn't find a way ta save ya. That's what I'm tryin' ta do now. Just open up fer me an' alla this water will go away."

No response.

"Yo, Abby! Open up!"

"Why is this human bothering me?", the tree asks. "I just want to enjoy the Sun."

"There is no Sun, Abby! Not unless ya give me the scepter!"

"No. Just let someone else do it. I'm tired.", the tree says.

"Wake up, would you?"

"What?", Harley asks.

"I said, wake up!"

Harley's body jerks into a vertical position, smacking into Eggy.

"Ow! I think you cracked my shell!"

"Eggy? Whoops! Sorry, Eggy. Wha… what happened?"

"The entire oasis was starting to flood, and you were just yelling at the tree in your sleep!"

"Oh, uh… is it fixed now?", Harley asks, noticing the shining Sun.

"Yes. I was able to create a device to communicate with Abigail, so she would open up and give us the wand."

"Oh. Well, that was easy!", Harley says.

They go to the southern region of the oasis to assess the damage.

"Eggy?", Harley asks.

"Yeah?", Eggy responds.

"How do ya think Ivy'll take it?"

"I hope once she sees this, what I did won't even cross her mind!"

"How can ya say somethin' like that?! She's out there doin' a favor fer me. I don't want her comin' home ta **this!"**

"Relax, Miss Harley. Once we drain out the water, the plants will be fine. It takes longer than a few hours for these plants to drown."

* * *

Over the course of two days, the water is drained, and everything is back to normal. Harley can't help but sit and watch the machines suck up the water. Eggy assures her that everything will be fine and tries to take her mind off of it.

Ivy still isn't back yet. She hasn't called either. If Harley wasn't worried about Ivy being devasted about the flood, she was worried that something had happened to her. It's almost breakfast time. Harley's on a couch, lying on her stomach. She brought the plant phone downstairs. She can't help but stare at it.

"Sorry I couldn't call back. I was busy evading the authorities once they found out I had a hostage."

That voice. Ivy's back. Harley turns the corner to greet her, but what she sees is something she's not prepared for.

"Puddin'?", Harley asks.

Ivy has Joker tied up in vines and tosses him onto the floor.

"Uhh… surprise!", Ivy says.

 **To be concluded in Chapter 8!**


	8. A Friendly Contest

Harley and Ivy Build a City!

Chapter 8: "A Friendly Contest"

* * *

 **A/N: The epic finale! If this story seems like it's a step back, that's because it is. One step backwards, but two steps forwards. No matter how close Harley gets to Ivy, Joker is always a huge obstacle. I hope this story gives everyone the closure they wanted for Harley! :3  
**

* * *

 **\- Monday. 5:42am -**

"Sorry I couldn't call back. I was busy evading the authorities once they found out I had a hostage."

That voice. Ivy's back. Harley turns the corner to greet her, but what she sees is something she's not prepared for.

"Puddin'?", Harley asks.

Ivy has Joker tied up in vines and tosses him onto the floor.

"Uhh… surprise!", Ivy says.

"Hi.", Joker mutters.

Behind Ivy, Harley spots two more familiar figures.

"Bud! Lou! Come here, babies! Mommy missed ya!", Harley says, giving them a hug.

Harley's hyenas lovingly lick Harley's face.

"What about me? Didn't you miss me?", Joker asks.

"Um… yeah. Of course!", Harley says, as she turns to Ivy. "I thought you said ya wouldn't do anythin' to 'im."

"I _only_ said I wouldn't _hurt_ him.", Ivy says.

"Ya just **threw** 'im on the ground like garbage!"

"Well…"

"An' don't say it!", Harley says, cutting her off.

"Harley, Pammie's being mean to me again.", Joker says.

"Oh, shut it.", Ivy says to him.

"Uh… Red? We can't just leave 'im tied up."

"…Yes, we can. Come on, Harl.", Ivy says, headed upstairs.

"Umm… okay."

"Harley!", Joker yells as the two of them leave.

Harley and Ivy go upstairs with Bud and Lou following close behind. Harley claps to get Bud and Lou's attention and gestures for them to hop onto her bed. A vine from Ivy's bed suddenly grabs Harley.

"Um… Red? Why did yer bed just grab me?"

"Ehehe.", Ivy giggles.

"Well, I guess I know which Ivy _you_ are."

"Oh… should I wait for you to spend some time with your hyenas first?", Ivy asks.

"Uh, Bud, Lou! Babies. Why don't ya check out the place. There's lotsa cool stuff here an' new people ta meet. Just play gentle with Ivy's plants."

Bud and Lou leave to explore the oasis. Harley and Ivy lean in for a kiss, but Ivy draws back.

"Wait,", Ivy says, "What will Joker do if he finds out?"

"What are ya talkin' 'bout? He can't do anythin' ta you. You're Poison Ivy!"

"I'm just thinking about _you,_ Harley."

"What? I'm not the one who brought 'im here. _Yer_ the one always tellin' me he's no good fer me."

"When I was at his hideout, I saw his travel plans, Harley. He was coming one way or another. I just couldn't bear to sit around wondering when it would be. And so, I brought him, I tied him up… I kinda just hoped I could forget he even exists. But, he's there. He's still down there. I know, it's stupid. It's not like me to not have a plan. One thing led to another. I just feel like I'm desperately running out of time. Every time I've ever been happy, I've always managed to lose it all. Every home I've ever claimed as my own… gone. I'm just so tired of it! And _you two…_ it only ever ends one way: You and him."

"Red, please. Yer not givin' up on us, are ya?"

"I'm just… I can't think… anymore. I don't know, can't ever know what's going to happen. Now, I've just made a mess."

Ivy pauses.

"Joker will be asking for you, that impatient man. You should go downstairs. I can't… I don't….", Ivy says as her voice chokes up.

"Wow. Just wow.", Harley says.

She leaves in frustration but manages to close the door gently.

Ivy lazily rolls over on her bed, until she's on her stomach, holding back tears. After a while, she takes a plant to her bed for comfort. Then, she just lies around some more for about ten minutes until she worries about what might be happening downstairs. She immediately goes out the door and runs.

* * *

 **\- 5:53am -**

"It's been ten minutes, Harley! Just cut the stupid vines!"

"No way!"

Ivy walks in on them to see them struggling to release the vines. Ivy calms down some, seeing Joker quite helpless.

"Am I interrupting something here?", Ivy says as the vines unwrap Joker.

"You! Always you. I don't know why you brought me here, but I'd like to have some words with you. Harley, go get us some hot coffee or something."

"Sure thing, Puddin'.", Harley says, leaving the room.

"Well, don't look at me. I don't have anything to say to you, _Puddin'."_ , Ivy says.

"You can be mad all you want, Pammie. But Harley will be mine by tomorrow. It's not like it's anything new. Of course, I _could_ just take her with me _now."_

Ivy doesn't respond. She just leans back in her seat and closes her eyes, vines wrapping around her arm. Joker gets bored, so he starts throwing his razor-sharp cards into the wall. One of them almost hits Harley as she enters the room.

"HEY!"

"Oh. Hey, Harley.", Joker says.

Harley's shout startles Ivy as she looks up to see what happened.

"Of alla the times I almost lost my head cuzza you, did ya really have ta be so careless infronna Red? Yer makin' yerself look bad."

"Oh, **geez,** Harley. You make me sound like a klutz. How lucky do you think you are, anyway? You know those circus performers who throw knives at people's heads? It's all about the _performance,_ Harley."

Ivy can't bear to watch anymore. There's rarely anything she can ever do to interfere. So, she shakes her head and leaves the room.

"See? Now, she's gone. HA HA HA HA HA!"

As she's waiting for Harley, Ivy listens outside the door. She barely makes anything out except for occasional laughter between the two of them, and sometimes loud bangs. She leaves and waits upstairs for Harley. When Harley finally gets upstairs, she enters the door still laughing a bit. She then looks up at Ivy.

"You two have fun?", Ivy asks.

"Gee, Red. What do ya even want me ta say to that?"

"I want you to say yes."

"You do?"

"I just want to know you're okay. But I want an honest answer."

"Yer right, Red. I'm not okay. Whenever you two are together, I feel like I'm bein' split in half. I'm sure we can have a life together, Red. Mistah J doesn't have ta be a problem. Please don't give up; it's not your style. These past four months are the happiest I've ever seen ya. So, Mistah J can be a roadblock once in a while, but you've never been like this."

"That's just it, Harley. Don't you see? This time, I have much more to lose."

"An' ya think bein' alone is the answer. Because people cause hurt. Because people are poison."

"But not you, Harley."

"Yes, me, Pam. Always me. An' I don't know how ta stop. I always hear his voice. In my dreams, too. Not about the things he does, but the things I do. Because he's part of me, no matter how hard I try ta change it. Look, you brought 'im here. So, please give 'im a chance. You two used ta be kinda sorta friends, right? Back when it was all about Batman an' not about me?"

"Give him a chance? You just said he gives you nightmares!"

"I DID NOT!"

"Okay, fine. If it'll make you happy, I won't fight him. So, what do you think his reaction will be when you finally friend zone him?"

"Wha…? Ya did **not** just ask me ta do that!"

"Seriously, Harley, are you just gonna—"

"No. Nonononono. I'm hungry. I'm gonna go downstairs an' get some breakfast, an' get ta work. I'll see ya later tonight, 'kay?"

" **Tonight?!"**

* * *

 **\- Sunday. 12:32am -**

Later that night, Ivy is lying in bed by herself; Harley's bed is empty. She doesn't want to go to sleep without Harley being there, but she forces herself to do it anyway.

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha…"

Ivy wakes up. It is now 2:59am. Harley's in her bed, sound asleep. At least she's not sleeping in Joker's room.

"Hahahahaha!"

 _What the hell?_

Ivy goes downstairs to follow the maniacal laughter to Joker's bedroom.

"Would someone please kill that demonic clown already?", one of the residents asks.

"AHAHAHAHA!"

Ivy opens the door to Joker's room and looks inside.

 _What the… hell?!_

Ivy goes back upstairs to wake Harley.

"Do you hear that sound?", Ivy asks her.

"Ahahahahaha!"

"Hm. Sounds like Mistah J's havin' a good dream. He calls 'em nightmares, but he always seems ta enjoy 'em."

"How… **why** did you ever put up with this?!", Ivy asks.

"Well, why do ya think I always used ta ask ya fer sleepin' remedies?"

"Okay. You go wake him up.", Ivy says.

"Wha? I don't wanna wake 'im. He'd get angry. It's not a pretty sight."

"And when I'm angry, it means nothing?"

"Aw, that's not true, Red. You **are** pretty when yer angry."

Ivy has nothing to say to that. She sighs and leaves their room. She sneaks back into Jokers room. She takes a deep breath, then shoves him off his bed.

"Aah! Don't touch me, witch!", Joker exclaims.

"Alright, Joker. What will it take to make you go away forever?"

"Gee, I don't know. You _could_ try poisoning me. Just don't expect _Harley_ to forgive you for that. And here I was thinking you actually wanted me here. You're the one who brought me here, remember? What, you think one of these days Harley will ever choose you over me? By noon tomorrow, she'll **hate** your guts. I'm afraid it's a battle you'll never win, Pammie."

"No, I think that what you're really afraid of is that one day, someone you've broken will be better off nonetheless."

"Why would I be? You show her kindness and Harley thinks you're her savior. But she always comes back to me. The Harley you know doesn't exist without me. What would she be without _you?_ She would be the very same fun-loving, carefree girl who would laugh at a burning city or a burning **forest** because **I'm** the one who taught her how to be happy! _You_ just want her to have the same boring life that the doctors at Arkham wanted for her."

"You're out of your mind! Most of the things she regrets doing in life are things **you** made her do! Not that you would know. She only cries when you're not looking. Maybe she's less like you than you're willing to admit."

"And what I'm hearing is she's only **sad** when she's around _you._ 'Harley, my ficus died. Please comfort me. WAAAAAH!' Grow up, Pammie. Because I'm taking what's rightfully mine."

"Are you really so stupid that you would believe Harley's better off with **you?!"**

"She knows it better than I do. You know I've replaced every member of my gang ten times over? But I **always** come back for Harley. You want to know why?"

"Because you know she'll come running."

"It's because there's not one soul on the planet that understands me better than Harley. _My_ Harley. And you're not one of them. I wouldn't expect you to understand."

"That's where you're wrong, Joker. I do understand. But I also understand her _needs."_

"Pfft! Women."

There is a silence between the two of them. The same kind they've shared for years. An overwhelming and absolute disgust for one another, perhaps one of the only things they have in common anymore.

"You really want her that bad?", Ivy asks.

"I do."

"Then I have a proposal for you, Joker."

"A _proposal?_ Oh, yes. That's your way of saying you want to poison someone. Sorry, but I believe I'm already spoken for."

"So _you_ say. Actually, what I have in mind is more along the lines of a contest. We both make a pie for Harley. And if she likes yours better, I promise not to poison you."

"Rigged! It's RIGGED! That's **your** area of expertise."

"I never said it had to _taste_ better. You see, you never were the least bit funny, Joker. But maybe you'd like to try proving otherwise to Harley?"

"HA HA! Harley **loves** a good laugh. O-kay. Is it a bet, then? Winner gets the girl?"

Ivy scoffs at his phrase.

"Sure, let's shake on it.", Ivy says, taking off her glove.

Joker refuses the deadly handshake and just grins.

"See you in the morning, Pammie."

* * *

 **\- Day of the contest. 11:30am. –**

Joker is working meticulously on his pie. He has a pair of pliers out. Ivy, having already finished her pie, goes over to peek at Joker's handiwork.

"Waiting 'til the last minute, _Puddin'?_ That's really not a good sign.", Ivy says.

"You know what I think isn't a really good sign? The fact that there's a five-hundred-pound potato hanging over our heads."

The two of them glance up at Ivy's giant potato that is supported by a thread of very thick vines.

"Her _name_ is Clarice,", Ivy says, "And she's six hundred pounds, aren't you, girl?"

"You named the potato? I knew you had a sense of humor. Ha ha! We really should have these get-togethers more often.", he jokes, giving Ivy an artificially friendly (and very unwelcome) pat on the back with his glove.

"Okay, Mr. Joker. I'm afraid your time is up. It's time for Harley to taste the pies.", Eggy says.

"After you, _Puddin'.",_ Ivy says.

"Stop calling me that. **You** don't get to call me that. You go ahead; ladies first."

"I insist.", Ivy says.

"I'M TRYING TO SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST!"

"Um… Puddin'?", Harley interrupts. "Please, would you two get along fer just a minute?!"

"Fine. I'll go first. See? I know when to quit.", Joker says.

Joker unveils his pie. On it is a picture of Ivy with a mustache, beard, and Rudolph nose drawn onto it. Harley snickers at the sight of it.

"All he did was scribble on my face! I could've done that!", Ivy says.

"Yeah?", Harley asks. "Coulda. Woulda. Didn't."

"Harley… you still have to taste it.", Joker says.

Harley carefully inspects the pie.

"…Well?", Joker asks.

"It's gonna explode, isn't it?", Harley asks.

"Yeesh, Harley. What do you think of me? That gag is so cliché.", Joker says.

Harley sticks a fork in it and it explodes in her face.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Ow! That hurt, ya jerk!"

"But that's the best kind of joke! Aren't **true** lovers supposed to make each other laugh?", Joker asks, now glaring at Ivy.

Harley licks some of the pie off her face and sighs.

"I give it a nine.", she says.

"Just a **nine?!"**

Ivy glares back at Joker.

"Fine. A nine it is.", he says.

"Okay, Miss Harley. This way to meet Miss Ivy's pie.", Eggy says.

"Eggy. That table is twenny feet away. I think I know where it is."

"Remember, Pammie. No cheating.", Joker reminds her.

Harley takes a bite out of Ivy's pie.

"Ohmygawd. This tastes…!"

Harley's overjoyed expression hides itself once she looks at Joker.

"It tastes alright.", Harley says.

"HAHAHAHAHA! In your face, Pammie. Looks like you lose again."

"Joker! Harley, stay there. The two of us have something to discuss.", Ivy says.

"What is there to discuss? Some things never change. Grow up, Pammie.", Joker says.

"Yeah, you're right. You won. Have a handshake."

Joker looks at her hand to make sure she's wearing gloves, which she's not. So, Joker puts his own glove on.

"Just in case.", he says.

Ivy rolls her eyes at him then shakes his hand.

"Aaaaaah!", Ivy shrieks.

Joker used a joy buzzer on her. In response, several roots suddenly sprout from the ground.

"Wait! Please don't fight, you two…!", Harley shouts.

Harley's attention shifts to the giant potato overhead, which seems to have suddenly been loosened. Joker—also noticing—starts to run, but Ivy grabs his arm.

"Where do you think _you're_ going?", she asks him.

The potato falls, and Harley only has enough time to save one of them.

" **RED!",** Harley screams, knocking Ivy out of the way.

She hears a loud splat, and feels liquid hit the back of her neck. She turns her head to see goopy… _white_ liquid everywhere? Ivy's gigantic potato was just a sack full of…

"Puddin'?"

Joker is covered in the stuff. He has a frown on his face.

"And how did you like _my_ joke, _Puddin'?",_ Ivy asks with a grin on her face.

"What? This whole contest was a setup? HARLEY! You chose to save this **plant woman** over ME, the one who gave your life **meaning?** RRRRRrrrrrr! I can't **believe** you, Harley! You are so dumb, I just want to **choke** you! I hate you now!"

Joker gets up out of the mess and starts to leave.

"Puddin', wait!", Harley says.

"No. I'm OUT of here! You're not even worth it anymore, Harley."

Joker throws a razor-sharp card at Ivy's face and misses.

"Aw, maybe next time. See ya, _Puddin'.",_ Ivy says to him.

Joker growls at her then stomps on his way out.

"Red, WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

* * *

 **\- Noon. –**

"Ihateyou, Ihateyou, Ihateyou!", Harley screams, as the two of them enter their room.

"I just wanted to thank you for saving my life.", Ivy says.

Harley shoots her an angry look.

 **"Now** she has jokes! Why? Why'd ya do it, Red?"

"I did it for you. Just like everything I do."

Harley sighs and drops her head. She hears Bud and Lou whine and she gets on her bed to pet them. Meanwhile, Ivy is sitting crisscrossed on the pillow fortress.

"Oh, Harleyyyy. I rebuilt our pillow fortress. You really seemed to like it. I know it's just noon, but don't you wanna sleep on it, at least take a nap? I promise I won't move around too much."

"Really not in the mood.", Harley replies.

"But I'm feeling so awfully looonely right now. I know you hate it when I get lonely. And look. I've got the whoopie cushion!"

Ivy leans forward and uses her body weight to squish it with her palms, keeping her arms perfectly straight. A farting sound comes out of it.

"I thought you were gonna **die,** Red."

"Surely, Joker would have died, too."

"An' you say _he's_ the hurtful one."

"The way he treats you is _not a joke,_ Harley. You know this just as well as I do. Hell, you know this **better** than I do."

Harley looks across at Ivy with a bit of sorrow on her face.

"Am I a fool fer just wishin' he can change?", Harley asks.

"No, not a fool. Your optimism is one of the things that I love about you. Something he takes advantage of. He doesn't deserve your optimism or your forgiveness; he doesn't deserve any of you. He won't change, Harley. But **I** will always be here for you."

"…Yeah. Yer right. But I just need some space fer now. Come on, babies, yer sleepin' with mommy tonight."

"There's still a whole day ahead of us, Harl. Okay. I'm sorry, Harley. I know I overstepped some boundaries. I did what I thought was right for you."

"You think you know what's better for me than I do?!", Harley asks with a frown.

"You're right. You tell me whether what I did was good for you or if it was bad for you."

Harley's frown drops as she thinks it over.

"Oh, Red.", Harley says, walking towards her with her arms open.

"Hugs?", Ivy asks.

"No. Not hugs.", Harley says, lowering her arms. "Pillow fortress. Now."

Ivy giggles and the two of them plop down on the fortress. Bud and Lou exchange confused looks.

 **\- SERIES END –**

"Harley an' Ivy build a city? More like Harley an' Ivy build a pillow fortress, amIrite? Thanks fer readin'! An' if ya made it this far, be sure ta leave a review!"


End file.
